The mail arrived and I was reminded again why it is best I do not judge other people’s lives.
The mail was a reminder that sometimes you screw something up to the point where you are left wondering if the most merciful thing to do is put it down, have a ceremony and move on.
Every path seems strewn with obstacles that in hindsight were completely avoidable. In some cases, you know the obstacles were there but sometimes you choose the path anyway because at the moment it seems like the only, the best, the right or the loving choice. Sometimes those obstacles look as tiny pebbles on a distant beach only to get there and discover that the obstacle is the actual beach.
Sometimes you realize you simply have been walking in a circle and that no matter what you do the obstacle will not go away because you carry it everywhere you go. Sometimes you carry it out of a sense of loyalty…or obligation or oath or cowardice or weakness or immaturity or pride or shame or training or arrogance or ignorance or boredom or passive aggressiveness or not-so-passive aggressiveness or male bravado or sheer stupidity or maybe one of a hundred thousand other reasons…sometimes it isn’t even your obstacle to carry.
…but you do carry it.
Today I am reminded that the obstacle in my life that has left me financially, spiritually and emotionally wrecked was, once again, my choice. Even though I know I am hurting people I love and that love me I need to drop the obstacle and stop carrying it around with me.
I have spent a great deal of time waging war on my own life simply because I don’t know how to make peace with myself. As a result there has been collateral damage to good, honest and loving people.
Which is why there are not many people close to me.
There are all kinds of reasons for this, none of which matter.
It is enough to know that war makes me unsafe and I know it so I have tended to avoid intimacy and closeness and at times live very fractured both to protect myself and other. Sometimes I run people off or sometimes I don’t give them a reason to stay. I’m 45 and at times I’m still fighting this stupid, fucking and avoidable war.