Since this began I've made two commitments to myself. First of all, no more secrets. Secondly, I'd respect C's personal space. This past weekend I broke the latter commitment and as a result created a secret.
I've learned a lot about how people respond to betrayal and secret keeping. Here is the bottom line: Love and stay. Love and leave. There is no wrong answer. Regardless, love yourself.
I've asked her to accept and love me despite my ugly. I am committed to providing her the same acceptance and compassion. I can do this whether she loves me or not. Acting lovingly does not require anyone's consent or approval. The reality is at this point in my grieving process, I recognize there is no such thing as a moral high ground.
Today I watched in real time as a ghost story grew. Someone on Twitter shared that, after 16 years, her husband announced to her today he is moving out. She was distraught and reached out online for support and encouragement. She was sent a few kind words and hearts but then the conversation turned on a simple three letter word: why.
I'm going to be in The City of Bridges next week. While in Pittsburgh every bridge will be a reminder of where I am heading next. It will serve as a reminder of where I have been and where I am going. I'm finished pursuing forgiveness, acceptance, or love, regardless of what my broken heart wants.
"What is most healing about bearing witness to things exactly as they are, including my own part in my pain, is that when the voice of the pain fits the pain, there is no room for Distortion or Illusion. And this way, truth becomes a clean bandage that heals, keeping dirt out of the wound." - Mark Nepo
Reading post after post about what happens post-discovery almost no one acts well. Everything in this situation is ugly. I made it uglier.