My Ugly

I've asked her to accept and love me despite my ugly. I am committed to providing her the same acceptance and compassion. I can do this whether she loves me or not. Acting lovingly does not require anyone's consent or approval. The reality is at this point in my grieving process, I recognize there is no such thing as a moral high ground.

April 22

I'm going to be in The City of Bridges next week. While in Pittsburgh every bridge will be a reminder of where I am heading next. It will serve as a reminder of where I have been and where I am going. I'm finished pursuing forgiveness, acceptance, or love, regardless of what my broken heart wants. 

A Novel Idea

I want you to be happy and successful. I want you to find the Partner you deserve, need and want. If you can't talk to me like you love me, would you try to talk about me like I'm someone you loved once and loved you?

Thoughts on the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

I will not pursue her or anyone else. Pursuing is clearly the mallet of my relationship communication toolbox. Now I know: my pursuing is selfish and fear-based. The behavior only adds to the problem.

How Can I Ever Trust You Again?

Rebuilding trust is a decision involving all the parties.

The realization this week we both have secrets creates the need for an emotional Cesarean. The reality of the trauma will have to be cut away to get to the beautiful life ready to be born.


Of all of the threats to a committed relationship I have treated in four decades of working with couples, the most difficult to heal is infidelity. When a trusted partner in a committed relationship betrays the sacred trust of the other, the relationship will undergo severe instability.

The partner who has been betrayed is emotionally tortured and humiliated when knowledge of the infidelity emerges. They are clearly in trauma and experience the same array of symptoms that professionals now describe as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Similar to any others who have suffered threats to their physical or emotional well-being and security, they are disoriented and confused by what has happened.

Relationship partners of both genders experience similar of the classical symptoms of PTSD:

-Repeated intrusive thoughts.

-Unstable emotional regulation.

-Out of body experiences.

-Alternating between feeling numb and striking out in retaliation.

-Inability to stop scanning for any new…

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